


Where Do Darkspawn Get This Stuff, Anyway?

by dfotw



Series: DA Shared Universe [5]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Friendship, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-08 02:08:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4286685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dfotw/pseuds/dfotw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A quiet interlude of looting and talking about flowers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Do Darkspawn Get This Stuff, Anyway?

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of the joint Dragon Age universe I have with [yunhaiiro](http://archiveofourown.org/users/yunhaiiro/pseuds/yunhaiiro), set at some unspecified point mid-game.

There are over ten bodies strewn across the bend of the road, but what has the full attention of the two Grey Wardens are the two mabari hounds wagging their stumpy tails. If it weren't for the different designs on their kaddis, no one could tell Beast and Maño apart, they are so covered in blood and darkspawn guts.

It was supposed to be a quick supply run to Redcliffe village, but these things always happen.

“Do you think we can get Wynne to bathe them again?” asks Malia.

“Do you mean, do I think I can talk Wynne into bathing them again?” Kwerkus replies.

Malia shrugs, then raises a gauntleted hand to ineffectively wipe at the sweat pouring down from under her helmet. 

“Broke into a sweat already, huh?” asks the elf with a smirk.

“I'd like to see you fight in heavy armour,” she replies, wrinkling her nose when she notices not all the fluids on her skin are her own; darkspawn blood gets everywhere.

“Wynne likes you better, anyway,” says Kwerkus, wandering away to examine the nearest corpse.

“That's because I don't roll my eyes every time she opens her mouth,” replies Malia, examining a nearby plant; Morrigan has them well-trained to pick up the materials she needs for her potions and poultices.

“That's because she hasn't tried to poke her nose into who's spending the night in your tent.”

“Did too.” Malia picks up what she's pretty sure is elfwood, then goes to help Kwerkus loot the bodies. “She's worried I'll break Alistair's heart, which is a valid concern.”

“The only way you'll break Alistair's heart is if you keep doing nothing about all those concussed-mabari looks he keeps throwing your way.”

“Oh, shut up, Ser Would-Lay-My-Life-Down-For-Zevran-But-This-Is-Totally-Casual-Yes-Serah.”

Kwerkus huffs and pulls a lifestone from a hurlock's belt-pouch. Where do darkspawn get this stuff, anyway?

“Anyway, you don't care if Wynne scolds you,” Malia continues, hefting a serrated blade half as tall as she is, and swinging it around consideringly. “You ask her to give the dogs a bath.”

Beast, who is standing next to his mistress, whines and backs away.

“Oh, be quiet, you big baby,” she says. “I saw you rolling in that puddle of blood, you brought this on yourself.”

“Very well,” says Kwerkus, looking around; he's sure he shot down a genlock somewhere, but where did the body roll down to? “But you get to tell Sten we're traipsing down to another corner of Ferelden instead of going straight to punch the Archdemon in the face.”

“Ugh. If he wants to fight again, Beast can take the challenge,” Malia grumbles.

“The stench alone might knock Sten out,” Kwerkus says.

Beast gives out an indignant bark, the effect slightly diminished by the fact that Maño is cheerfully pushing a severed genlock arm at him.

“I'll have Wynne user her floweriest soaps on you two,” Malia tells them sternly; Maño drops the arm and tries to look as if he was just passing through.

“Speaking of flowery stuff...” Kwerkus pulls a bolt from a hurlock's eye with a nasty squelching sound, and chuckles. “You should have seen Alistair's face when you gave Leliana those flowers. He almost burst into tears.” 

“She said they reminded her of her mother!” Malia protests, waving a bloodstained boot with one hand. “I didn't mean it like that. I don't like Leliana that way. You know that. Everyone knows that. Even Leliana herself knows that, it was a very uncomfortable conversation.”

“Well, Alistair doesn't seem to be very clear on the subject. Perhaps you want to tell him something.”

“Ugh.” Malia kicks a genlock's corpse, causing the head to roll off. “At least you had Zevran throwing himself at you from the second he saw you. I don't know what to say to Alistair that won't spook him.”

“Have you ever licked a lamppost in winter?” Kwerkus asks in an exaggerated falsetto.

“Ugh!” Malia facepalms, leaving a smear of darkspawn blood on her forehead. “That was awful. I seriously don't know how to talk to him.”

“Who says you have to talk?”

“Are you waggling your eyebrows?” she asks in disbelief. “Zevran's rubbing off on you.”

“That's not the only thing he's been doing,” confirms Kwerkus happily, as he begins to lead the way back to camp.

“Seriously?" she asks as she hurries to follow him. "We all know. You're loud. I had to talk to Shale the other day about it. Considering that, you owe me one.”

“Yes, yes, I'll talk Wynne into bathing the dogs...” Kwerkus points at something in the undergrowth. “Hey, look at that flower! You could pick it up and give it to Alistair.”

“I'll kick you in the head,” Malia threatens. “No, I'll do one better and kick *Zevran* in the head.”

“Hey!”

“What's that, Ser It's-Totally-Casual-And-He's-Just-A-Friend?”

“Shut up, Ser I-Blush-When-Alistair-Takes-Off-His-Shirt-So-His-Dear-Friend-Kwerkus-Can-Mend-It.”

“I knew you did that on purpose!”

“Maybe you can sew flowers into his shirts! Roses and things...”

“Kicking is too good for you,” Malia growls. “Hey, Beast, go kiss your Uncle Kwerkus! A big, slobbery kiss! That's it, good boy, drape yourself all over him!”

“Uff, get off! I hate you, I'll summon spiders next time you need help. Maño, to me!”

**********************************************************

“What did you do,” asks Zevran blankly when they walk into camp a while later, breathless and filthy, dripping with darkspawn blood and mud.

“Aw, Zev, don't you want to wrap me in a passionate embrace now? I'm hurt,” says Malia playfully; by the side of the fire, Alistair seems to choke on thin air and starts coughing, which makes Malia smile, which in turns gives the former Templar the concussed mabari look again. It's all very sad.

“Only if I get to bathe you first, my dear lady,” says Zevran.

Malia laughs and walks away towards Bodhan's cart, swinging the loot they got off the darkspawn. Zevran turns to give a slow once-over to Kwerkus, eyebrows rising as he goes.

“Don't ask,” the Warden says. “Seriously, I'll make you help me wash the dogs if you do.”

“All I'm saying, dear heart, is that tussling with a human twice your weight tends to end badly.”

“Only because I can't very well stab her. Alistair would pout at me for days.”

“I'm sure that's all that's stopping you,” Zevran says reassuringly. “Come, I'll scrub your back, I can't very well enjoy the view when the view is so muddied.”

Kwerkus crouches at mabari-height.

“Go look pathetic near Wynne's tent,” he tells the dogs quietly. “And yes, you're allowed to splash her when she's bathing you.”

With a 'woof', both mabari pad away and Kwerkus gets to stand up and look at Zevran, who is still waiting, hand outstretched.

“Did you know Malia thinks we're too loud?” he asks conversationally, taking Zev's hand.

“Oh? That sounds like a challenge.”

“That's exactly what I thought.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, feedback is always appreciated!


End file.
